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Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(continue reading…)

I had a very bizzare dream last night. I like how my night imagination is much more active than my day imagination.

In my dream, I have a friend played by the role of a Mike L dude I knew in highschool. Apparently, my mind decided Mike’s role was to be a drug abuser. By some bizarre treknobabble or magic or something, the act of mike doing some kind of drug in the future reset time to an earlier point. The only people aware of it were me, Annah, and himself, and Annah and I were not around him. So, now it is July 2009, but in all practical sense, only Annah and I realize it. I babble about how this is pretty cool, and I can fix some things, but I was sad about the Chenoweth baby, because of the butterfly effect just me being different means a different baby will be delt to the Chenoweths when Catherine becomes pregnant. Which made me sad

In retrospect, I really liked July. I was over breaking up with katy and managed to do reasonably well at not contacting her despite my heart’s emotional protest. It was warm out, I was working at Olson (which is the best place to work, ever, period), I was just a few weeks behind going to Las Vegas for DEFCON which was one of the most fun things I did that year, I was having a very great time hanging out semi platonically with Carrie, I had alot of friends and alot of things to do (we just went to chicago a few weeks before), it was overall a great time. I could feel it in July that this free ride of awesome was all scheduled to end in September (its all downhill from there, and now look where I am at) so I did the best I could of enjoying July to the fullest with tubing, parties, bonfires, fireworks, random treats to random friends, and the such. It was great.

First thing in my dream I notice is I still have my Prius. In my dream, it looks almost surrealy advanced looking (well, I suppose it did in real life too, I just got used to it). I realize all these things that are comming that I now know how to better prepare for, like the car getting repoed, what happens with my romantic persuits (and what is and isn’t worth investing time into), how to take advantage of the summer, the fact halloween is coming, the fact I should kick Josh out now rather than wait for him to somehow start paying rent (never happened), and some smart business moves to make. Annah realizes how the Josh fling would affect her life, and changes herself accordingly. I love the summer, get annoyed that winter is coming again, and at some point my sense of foresight will end when I catch up to the end of my first time living this time period. I wonder if this can be used to make someone live forever, continuously reliving the same parts of your life (ala groundhog day.)

Living through the shoes I have already walked in feels like watching a movie of my life (not to mention that it is all, in fact a dream). And I can’t tell people that I have already done this all, because they would think I am mad.

Anyway, there was likely more to the dream (like a plot, my dreams usually have a plot), but I’ve been awake long enough now that I don’t recall it.

There are certain things I hate suddenly being aware of. The kind of thing that while consciously you are aware of, the only way to cure the problem is to try your best to not think about it. But trying to not think of it makes you that much more aware of it.

- Yawning. Aren’t you sleepy? Yawwwwwnnnnn. you know you wanna try it, it feels good.
- But now you aren’t breathing, because you are yawning! You are now consciously aware of your breathing. The only way to not be aware of it is to forget about it to make it go back to a passive process.
- The game
- That food I’m eating is in fact a chicken. That food I am eating is what used to be a clucking animal with feathers and a circulatory system. you are now eating muscle. Like some kind of savage. (I can barely eat meat when I know what it in fact is)
- Free will is just a convenient illusion and doesn’t exist. You’re in fact just a machine, and at the mercy of the experiences you have been delt so far. Your soul doesn’t have any impact on the body beyond your body wondering what happens to its passenger (the soul) when it passes. Everything in life is predetermined at the start of the universe and there is no such thing as free will. Everything you are doing you have no choice in the matter, you will do it, and the resulting decision will happen given the same initial state after enough thought has gone through your head on the matter. The decision is built out of past experiences, health and genetics and nothing else.
- I will die one day. The second I just experienced is irrecoverable. What I am experiencing right now I will ultimately forget, if not immediately, maybe tomorrow, next year, next decade, or when I am dead.
- Which culminates in: nothing is permanent.

All of these suck to realize. But when I sum it all up, I conclude that what matters most is having as many experiences as possible right now, and not worrying too much about the small stuff.

I’m glad I exist. It’s a crappy reality, but I’m glad by some bizarre accident I exist.

Dad always said you could do anything, be anyone you wanted to be.  He was mostly right.  But there are some things you just are.

Think of all the ‘clubs’ you belong to.  In my case, I am human, english speaking, a vikings fan, a young adult, a straight male, a minnesotian, a suburbanite, caucasian, buddhist, non smoker, middle class, computer programmer.  Alot of these are by choice, some of them by imprint from being raised by my parents, but I will always be a caucasian straight male, and that’s unavoidable.

This has relevance because I can’t do *everything*.  I quite clearly will never be in a lesbian relationship.  (w4w section is useless!  Drat!) I was wandering around st paul and I was exploring bars.  I ended up in a really gay bar, not orientation agnostic like the 90s.  No good.  I wantered into a predominantly black strip club.  I was also unwelcome there, so I left as well.

My friend zach said recently he sometimes doesn’t like the gay community and wishes he wasn’t a part of it.  (only sometimes).  The fact is he didn’t choose to be gay, any more than a bi woman choses to be bi or a black guy chooses to be black.  It is interesting we all have different experiences allowed to us (I’ll never give birth, for example) and the only way to overcome these limitations of reality is to communicate what it’s like with eachother.

What is it like being a dog?

What is it like being a mom?

*ponders*

A friends cat is passing away soon. Of course, the pet will be missed. This got my brain moving on ways to look at things in not such a negative light.

I’ve had the idea in the past that events are locked in history, and can’t be revisited. The idea went that in addition to exploring things geographically in 3 dimensions, you also have to be cognizant of your constant travel through the fourth dimension of time. Your life is like flowing down a river. You can steer yourself around, and see what you want, but you can’t travel back upstream, and once you past something, you can’t revisit it.

But, the important thing about a river is that that something is still there, even after you pass it. Just because you can’t get to it and interact with it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

By analogy, I assert that just because you aren’t presently experiencing something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The cat still exists between when it was born (1993?) to 2010. In fact, everything always exists. The fact is everything is going to end someday (morbid as it may seem) it doesn’t stop existing in space time. The cat left its mark on the world, it will always be there.

Christians are way obsessed with future rewards for current hardships. They are even more obsessed with death, and what happens after death. Most people get worried about what happens after one dies. I try to not look at things like that. I’m here now, I’m just experiencing the story of my life. Just because the story will be over one day, doesn’t mean the story stops existing. I’m here, right now, and I will always be here, right now. Its a much more pleasant way to look at the world, and also makes me realize that I have to keep my story fresh and interesting.

This isn’t so far away from the Hindu Religious belief of the world, I’m told. Where god is a director and the world is a acted as a some sort of cosmic play. (Not literally, anymore than christians believe god is really a giant bearded man who sits in the clouds).

I’ve been listening to KDWB lately. Maybe its because it is the station of music played in clubs, and I like clubs. I’m kind of dissapointed I didn’t have the foresight to realize the KDWB PJ party was going to be mostly girls in Lingere, and I should have made a more proactive effort to get tickets, which I guess were selling on Craigslist for $15 or so.

All that aside, the Dave Ryan Morning Show asks the question today “What have you recently learned you never realized before”. For example, a guy said that he never realized the sun’s direction relative to the moon is what casts the moon’s shadow, he always thought it was the earth covering up that part of the moon.

I’d say the most interesting thing I’ve learned is it isn’t just you that can’t dance, nobody can dance. Everyone sucks at it. The more you pay attention to yourself trying to not suck at it, the worse you actually are, because you are making deliberate movements, and that is not how you dance. Just go with the music, and try to act stupid, and you’ve got the dance down. Whatever, screw these people, if you suck, it’s not like you’ll ever see them again anyway.

I learned this from Patrick, which is a totally awesome friend I met in downtown. I’ve been meeting all kinds of interesting people in the city lately, notibly Anna Hooker, a girl who works at Barnes and Noble at the MOA who is into the punk rock scene. I went to a show with her at the Triple Rock, and it was pretty fresh. But the whole audience is emo. This happened before at the Electric Six concert – when the band called for dancing, or the audience you know, moving muscles, everyone just stood there doing their best to not be noticed by anybody. Except me, and the girls in the very front row.

You know, if I lost 30 pounds, I bet I could pick up any girl from emo concerts. Confidence is key, lack of shame is key, and I have both. I simply lack the physique. I can’t wait till it is spring and I resume my biking to work plan.